Another Illusion

Well I did it today. On one hand I feel overjoyed that I did finally did do it. Now its out of my hands and in someone elses hands. What happens from here well be decided by someone else and I can go from there.

But at the same time I don’t feel so joyful. I am responsible for the mess I created. If I was a good person, then I would have everything done by now. But I keep making excuses for not doing it. Finally today arrived and I had to do something.

I can say some bullshit about why I made the excuses. I think the word for it is justifications. But the fact of the matter is that I wanted to be control. I keep making excuses because I realized at some point if I went through with this then I would lose that control. I would regain some measure after a time. But it is thought that during that interim period I would be out of control that scares me.

I really hate not having some control in my life. I have hated it since I was six years old. I rather be in a bad suitation and feel like I have control than be in a good suitation and feel that I have no control. Its not what I actually thought but it sums up really nicely. I look back at the choices and actions I took in the past and it always the choice or action where I had some idea of the outcome. That was control I was seeking because then I could know what to expect.

But there is something else that nags because that doesn’t explain why I keep making excuses. There was another fear at work here. The fear of failure. Its like having a fantasy about something and when it comes to make the fantasy into reality then I back off and make the excuses.

You would think something I wanted this bad and could make happen that I would be real motivated about doing it and not make the excuses. But really its the fear that the fantasy is just a fantasy. That if I go through and make it a reality that it will be a failure. That something that has been a fantasy most of my life will really be nothing. Just another bad turn in life. I think if that was the case then it would have devastating consquences for me.

Since that is a possibility then make the excuses why I cannot make the fantasy into a reality. Keep pushing it away as long as possible so I don’t have to face that possibility. So here I am where I am now.

Hopefully things will work out and I can move forward with turning this fantasy into reality. I have to realize that the fantasy will not become reality. May not be a total failure but somewhere inbetween. However it turns out at least I can say that I tried regardless of the outcome.

Also appeal to another side of me to step in. The part of me that does like new challenges and things as a chance to grow. I feel like I have been a rut and its time to get out of it. Even if getting out of the rut means I lose control for a period of time. That in some ways losing control for a period of time is better than a slow death from stagnation. Regardless I will see how things turn out over the next day, month and finally six months if it goes that far.

Which points out another thing I don’t have at times is patience. I want to now know not later. You want to extract information then don’t bother with physical torture. Just make me wait. I will torture myself for you to the point that I will spill the beans so I don’t have to wait anymore 😛