I just got done talking to my mom and wishing her a happy mother’s day. It really hurt and was disappointing. Not because I have bad feelings toward my mom but because it hurts so much to be reminded of what she has become now. She is in a nursing home with dementia. There is the usually disappointment in that she cannot share what is happening in my life which was something I liked deeply, but there is a lot of emotion and bad feelings toward the rest of my family over what lead up to her being put in the nursing home. But the story of why I feel that way toward my sisters is for another time.
I almost didn’t make the call. I didn’t want to face that disappointment and hurt. Yes I was being a coward. But it really hurts the heart to hear her talk about the same thing and ask the same questions every call because she cannot recall what was said last time we talked. After thinking that I got the equivalent of a slap across the face in my mind.
Quit whining the voice said in my head. Face up to what is going on. You care very deeply about your mom. When you feel that way about someone you face and support them no matter what is happening because you do care for them. Quit being such a selfish bitch.
The voice continued by telling me how much mom must have been disappointed and hurt by me when I was a young adult. To get the phone calls from the police because I got into a fight or did something wrong. To help me out because I squandered things. To be there when I needed help because I was too much of a moron to see what was happening to me. Did she back away because she didn’t want to face the disappointment? Did she back away because she didn’t want to face what her daughter did and had become? She didn’t express the disappointment and hurt she felt. She was there for you when you needed someone the most.
So suck it up buttercup and make the call. Show her that you care despite what has happen. Have a conversation with her even if it means answering the questions she asks that you have answered before. Be happy and joyful that you are talking to her because she is your mom regardless of what has happen. If anything return what she did for you in the past.
Mother’s day this time is also very emotional to me for another reason. I don’t have any kids of my own to wish me a happy Mother’s day. A decision I made for good reason back in the day when I considered having children. But now I wonder if that was a good decision. That is the problem with looking back in the past. It’s easy to second guess your decision knowing how the result would turned out. But back when you have to make the decision there is no crystal ball to tell you how the future will turn out. You just have to make the decision based on current facts and go with it.
Back in the day when I considered having kids there was monster inside me. A monster created by what my dad did to me. A monster that was out of control with her temper, severe mood swings that would go on for days, that would take out its anger on the people around her, that had little patience and understanding, but most of all the hate the monster had been terrible. A part of me realized that if I had a kid that I would subject the kid to the monster and didn’t deserve that. Just because I had to experience my dad’s monster doesn’t mean I should pass the family tradition onto another human being. I was afraid that I would be the bad parent that my dad was to me. So I made the choice not to have kids.
Looking back I realize that maybe that was a bad decision. I learn how to control the monster and become a better person. That maybe I would have been a good mother and the family tradition would have ended with me. That I’m angry with myself for making that decision because I really wanted children of my own. I can soothe that angry with the knowledge that I did make the best decision at that time. That I take the responsibility and accept the consequences of that decision for that reason.
Now I could have kids with my second wife now. Which is something I would consider if it was just a matter of thinking of fulfilling my want to have them. But I’m getting old and with my health problems I don’t think pregnancy is a good idea. Who knows it might not be as bad as I think but I’m not going to take the risk . Also my wife doesn’t want any more kids, he is happy with his kids from his first marriage so there really any need to have them on his part. Again I’m making what I think is the best decision and will live with it.
I can be a mother of sorts to my step kids and their children. Satisfies some of the want to be a mother but it just a compromise. But often life is just a compromise between what we want and what is realistic. With that knowledge I’m no longer sad about Mother’s day but happy at least with myself that I did what I thought was right. That is what really matters in life more than anything else in my opinion 🙂