Its time to drop out of another community. You would think that it would be the place for me. After all we seek the same thing, you would think it would be the perfect match. Just how we go about is totally different that I just cannot relate to the rest of them. At least the ones that make a lot of noise and let themselves be heard.
The people I want to be around and feel like I am part of a community do not make a lot of noise. In fact if anything they are right in front of me. I just don’t see them because I was making the obvious connections about who would be right for me. Which is easy to do, because I was being the person that I hate most. The one that was making stereotypes about other people.
Time to throw those stereotypes out about people. Hard to do, because in a way they help make sense of people and the world around me. Well that sense is just an illusion. An illusion that has led me astray.
The question is what I do want. Once I know that then I am the one that has to go out there and seek out something that approaches what I want. Well that is the plan. Easy to say, harder to do. I could take the easy path and whine that I am not getting what I want. Expect other people to change to suit me. Like that is going to happen. I grow old being a bitter and angry person pissed off at a world that didn’t change to suit me.
I have some of what I want. Part of me thinks that is good enough. Just settle for that and be happy. But why settle when I could have much more if I tried. That I think is what is more important than anything else to me. That I tried to make it better for myself.
After all there are no guarantees in life. All I can do is just try something that I think is the best way and hope for the best. That maybe I got it right this time. More than likely it will not be a total failure or success but something in between. After all failure or success, like good or right is a judgement call. There is no absolute in that. I find myself thinking that even what I do is a failure, it’s not really a failure because I did learn something from it that next time I could make it a success. After all I have just have to look at my first marriage and my current marriage to see the proof of that concept.
So dropping out of this community I am talking about, maybe it isn’t a failure. I tried what I thought would work. It didn’t for me. The question is now for me, what I am going to learn from it.
I think the main thing is that we are a lot more alike than what we think. Sure there are the surface details that seem like big things. But they are not big things at all. What matters lies below the surface. That is the problem is digging to break through the surface to see those details that lie below. That is why I say to myself what I really want is hiding in plain sight. I just need to dig and find it instead of looking on the surface all the time.