It sits there on my screen tempting me. I think to myself maybe temptation is the wrong word. It is not the one tempting me. I am tempting myself. To respond to it is a way of avoiding something ugly and disgusting. For that reason it is easy to respond and avoid that which is ugly and disgusting.
The path I am on, I cannot help but have to meet it at some point. It is getting so close to me that the smell is making me want to gag. I want to find some other way to get to where I want to be and just not have to deal with this creature that is in my path. I feel resentment toward it for being on my path like it is doing now.
How dare it block my path like it is doing. Why doesn’t it think of my needs and wants and just go away? It knows how much I find it repulsive and want nothing to do it with it. So why even be here on my path trying to force this meeting? What is there to gain by it. Just go away and bother someone else.
That is my frustration talking. I have tried to find ways to go around it. Thinking there must be another to get to where I want to go and avoid this nasty creature. After all these other paths around. But taking them eventually leads me back to this road. All I get for my efforts is older and closer to death.
Part of me screams that there must be another path. That I am giving up too easily and not using my brain to find that alternate path. That says a lot of other mean and hateful things to get to me to try again. I want to fight that part of me for saying those things about me. How dare it say those things about me.
I realize though it is fear talking to me. I don’t want to face what is up ahead. That is what is influencing my perception into thinking that it is disgusting and repulsive. When I put that fear aside and look at it with an open mind, then I see a little girl about eight years old in my path not this terrible creature. This little girl wants to talk to me and I know what she wants to talk about is something I don’t want to even consider.
The girl wants to know if she made the right choice. She feels bad about the choice she did make. What became of decision she made was horrible and painful for me. For that reason I don’t want to talk to her. I realize that I am being too harsh on her.
I walk up to her and talk to her. I tell her I cannot offer her the reassurance that she wants. Sure I can look at what happen as a result of her choice. That what I had to go through was bad and painful and it was a terrible choice. I like to think if she made the decision to choose the other way that was on offer to her things would be better. But I realize that is just a fantasy. I don’t really know how things would have turned out so how I can tell her that she made the right choice?
What can I say to the girl to comfort her? At the same time what can I tell myself to comfort myself? To comfort the feelings that scream out for revenge. Revenge for the pain I have to deal with all this time. Now I feel between a rock and a hard place. Torn between my feelings now and the little girl.
I think all I can do is listen. There is nothing that can be said that will make it better. What done is done as they say. The fact of the matter is that little girl should haven’t been in a place where she did have to make that choice. She should be learning and growing and have parents that protect her until she is capable and strong enough to make those choices. But her parents where not protecting her at all. If anything they feed her to wolves and she had to make that choice to survive.
But at the same I acknowledge the pain and suffering I went through because of her choice. It is real and still hurts deeply today. Some days are worse than others, but it is always going to be there in some form. It cannot be erased by taking my revenge on the little girl nor will it be nullified by bullshitting myself or her into thinking what she did was alright or the best.
I guess in the end, all we can do is start over. To walk together on the path that lies in front of us. To see the little girl not as someone who is awful or repulsive but someone who had an impossible choice to make. At the same time I tell her about the pain I feel. By doing so we can mend the bridges between us in the future by acknowledging what the other went through and treating each other as human beings doing the best they can.