Just Below The Surface

When I started this post the idea behind seem pretty clear. Just need to express it words and post it. But like other posts the idea changes as the post goes along.

One of things I like about blogging and keeps me going at it despite my problems expressing myself is that it helps me uncover things. By expressing an idea that comes to my head and posting it in public, it goes away and I notice something else underneath that idea. In some ways it seems like a never ending task. I get my head around something by posting it and even more stuff under that. All demanding that I express them.

So it was nothing new when I wrote this post and came to what I thought would be the end to discover more. But this was different this time. The strength and force of what came to the surface when I reached what I thought was my conclusion was staggering. Like nothing I had experience. Most of it was dark that came to the surface.

I had the idea not to continue this post or even actually post it to my blog. I didn’t want to deal with what lay beneath the surface. But I realize that would be a setback for me. I am trying to be me and to deny what lay beneath the surface would be to deny myself. Doesn’t matter if what I feel is dark or good, it is me because it is what I feel.

So I am going to face what I feel by continuing this post and then posting it. Hopefully by facing what I find instead of denying it, I can find some peace with what I feel.

I have been thinking a lot about a lot of things actually. Try to write a few blog posts about what was rattling around in my head. But just couldn’t get them going. They just didn’t seem to be where my mind was going so it made difficult to finish them. But tonight I finally reached the point where I can tell where my mind was going and could write a post. That was describing what it meant to be female and transgender.

Not so much for other people, but for myself. It is nice to be able to explain myself to other people from my point of view instead of the traditional views of what it means to be a transgender woman. More for myself so I can understand where I wanted to go in being myself.

When I started to accept myself as transgender and a woman I came across that old saying of what it mean to be a transgender woman. That it was “A woman trapped in a mans body”. I can tell you the first time I heard it grated on my nerves. I can recall thinking, I wish I could go back in time and shoot the person who coined that term. I couldn’t articulate why at the time it bothered me so much. I just it was bad representation for me.

But now I can put into words. I don’t feel trapped by having a male body. It is a body after all. It doesn’t define who I am and how I think. I can be feminine the same regardless if I had a male or female body. The sex of my body has nothing to do with being feminine. Like I said it is just a body and therefore I am not trapped by having a male body.

I came up with a better way to describe myself in saying “I am a woman trapped by the expectations of people to be masculine” For a while that seem to fit me. If people didn’t expect me to be masculine and saw me as I saw myself as feminine then life would be good. So my focus was on convincing and accepting me as being feminine. Something I have realized lately that was a waste of time and energy. Talk about pounding my head against the wall.

A description that works for me now is “A woman trapped by her own expectations to meet other people’s expectation to be masculine”. That is when it hit me hard. The anger, hatred, sadness, depression among a lot of other emotions that suddenly assaulted my thinking. I had been blaming the wrong people for who I was all these years. The real person that was at fault was myself.

The hatred I felt was directed toward myself for being something I was not. Anger and sadness over feeling that I wasn’t good enough to make my own decisions and be the person I was all this time. Depression that if I wasn’t good enough to be me and had to pretend to be someone else then what was the point of living. Just grab that knife and end it now. Save myself a lifetime of misery and being a prisoner inside myself. But there was something stronger and darker.

The part of me that saw me as a coward. A coward for not being me and standing up for myself all these years. Sure I can come up with justifications and reason to explain away what I did, but that just stuff I say to prop my ego. It is insulting and bullshit to even think of those justifications and reasons. I made the choice.

No one else was responsible. It is not like someone took over my mind and made the choice for me. Instead of standing up for myself, I decided to be cowardly and take the easy way out. I had sold my soul for what? A lifetime of misery and heartache. Great choice Michelle.

I had judged myself against what I believed to be right and wrong and found myself guilty on all counts. Now the question is what would be my sentence?

How do I make amends for the sins of the past? One way is to accept what I feel about myself now. Realize that is not other people who are responsible for what happen. Sure they had their role to play but I am the one that made the choices. Decided what to do. Therefore quit blaming other people or expecting them to change to suit me. I know what I want in life and I make the choices that make it happen not other people. Therefore have the courage and strength to do what needs to be done.

Look back at those bad choices that I made and realize the cost of them. Take those emotions I feel over that and use it to my advantage. To give me strength when I need to make choices that are hard and follow through with them. Fight the battles with people who try to make me into somebody I am not.

Realize that no matter the differences, I am still a human being that deserves and should make her own choices and be that person regardless of what other people think about me.

Amend for the sins of the past by being who I am now and into the future. But also realize that I am just human. That there are times when I need help being me. That it is alright to ask other people for that help and there is no shame in it. But most of all that life sucks. That sometimes I will need compromise between what I want and what to be and what I can achieve.

In some way saying compromise seems like a loophole. A way to be cowardly and get away with it. After all I can say “Well its just a compromise” as an excuse for not trying. Well I can bullshit other people, but I cannot bullshit. I know exactly when I have tried and when I am seeking the easy way out.

So yes the loophole may exist in theory, just doesn’t go anywhere at least for me. In the end, I have to meet only one expectation and that is be myself. Of course I still have a lot to learn about myself. But that is what makes life fun at least for me. But I also know there the judge in my head ready to pronounce sentence again if I fail to live up to who I am and what I believe.